These Modern Bullies Don't Go Off Unless You Hit Them Just Right

In honor of September 11th, I dedicate this post to those of us who have yet to develop their skills in diplomacy: The children.

Yes, this post is for the kiddies, and I'm making it especially applicable to the plight of the modern schoolyard rascal - I call this post "How to Beat the Bully."
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We can all agree that today's young bullies have something in common: They just don't care about what you, or their teachers or other authority figures think. In fact, they get some sort of joy out of breaking the 3rd grade societal rules and norms. So how do you take on an enemy that adheres to only the Bully Code?

These are the strategies that used to work on bullies of the past, and are now out of date:

1. Be nice! Win 'em over with niceness.
2. Make 'em laugh! Convince them that you've got something special to offer, and that you're valuable to them.
3. Learn to box! Even if you don't use it, it helps you confidently counter their threats.
4. Figure out what really makes 'em tick. Bullies are just doing it for the attention - Figure out what they really want and understand how to help them.

Unfortunately, modern bullies are more bullyish than ever before. That's right kids - these strategies might have worked in the 1950s, but today's bullies just don't care any more. They don't follow any of the conventional, recognizable rules of bullying. For example: If you try out strategy #2, they'll most likely take further offense at your humor and want to pick on you even more. Even #3 doesn't work, as the 21st century bully is sneakier, stealthier, and more willing to use shady fighting techniques. Good ol' fashioned boxing ain't gonna do the trick.

What about #4, you ask? Well, I've got some bad news: Recent advancements in psychology have finally enlightened our knowledge of the bully mind. Unfortunately, they're not just doing it for the attention - It turns out that they really hate you for doing all that stupid stuff you do. Remember when little Jacob wouldn't stop telling that joke about the ostriches? Well, that was the real reason he received that swirly. ...And when Rebecca wouldn't stop bragging about her new dress? That's why she got pushed in the mud.

I'm sorry kids, but unless you stop being who you are, you're going to have to learn to face these bullies! Fortunately for you, I've got excellent news!

Finally, after so many risky strategies; so many failed attempts at stopping the monster from trying to take your lunch money, we've got an answer. It's a multi-step process, though, so listen carefully:

1. First and foremost, you've got to remember to follow these steps the moment the bully makes clear that you are the target of his rage. Any hesitation, or confusion about whether the bully is really going to become your bully will ruin the entire process.

2. Second: Begin trying to convince yourself that the bully is a MAJOR THREAT. In fact, if you don't do something right away, he'll start making you cry all the time.

3. Gather information about the bully. Find out where he lives, who his parents are, and who - if he's got any - he calls friends.

4. The old, outdated way to fight a bully was to face him head on. This way would clearly fail against any modern bully, so here's what you do, kids. Remember, follow these instructions EXACTLY:

- First, run around the playground at school screaming and shouting and punching and kicking, making sure everybody knows that you've gone off your rocker and are very pissed off. Make sure everyone realizes that you don't care about having friends, looking proper, or - and this is important - about the amount of damage you might do. Try to cause some playground damage.

- Second, make sure you don't deal directly with the bully. After seeing how wildly and arbitrarily you reacted to his initially bullying, you'll definitely get his attention. He'll start to wonder why he's not being dealt with directly...

- Third: Once the entire schoolyard knows you're on a rampage, it's time to start branching out. You're going to go after the bully's parents. You might have some qualms with this one, so be sure to make up a good story before you do: Something like, "I know for a fact that the parents are going to bully me, too. And when they do it, it'll put me in the hospital!" And remember: Don't let the smoking gun be a cloud of schoolyard dust [with your bully's parents running away from your bruised body].

- After you've gone to the bully's parents' house and beaten them severely, don't go anywhere. This is where you're going to hang out for a long, long time. Why? Well, this way, the bully knows that you've entered and conquered his home, and you're quite comfortable there.

- At this point, the bully will realize that you're not just some wimp in the schoolyard - He's got more than enough evidence that you're an insane, violent conqueror that's not afraid to do seemingly arbitrary acts of violence and destruction in response to any amount of bullying.

5. The bully might have friends on his side, or he might just try to use your crazy behavior as a reason for people to join his team. Depending on your bully's original reason for bullying you, he might just gain some support. Hopefully, though, by the time he gains enough support to really do some serious bully-damage, you'll be out of his parents' house and back at the schoolyard, staring menacingly at the next potential bully.

And there you have it!

I guarantee you, kids, that if you follow these instructions exactly, you'll get great results.

Your bully will be completely appalled, distracted, confused and shocked that you went that far over the deep end responding to his single act of bullying. Not only this, but he'll tell his friends:

"Don't mess with that kid. If you hit him even one time, he'll destroy the playground, betray all of his friends and beat up your parents!"

And trust me - nobody - even modern bullies who seemingly have nothing to lose - will want to put their house, their parents, their friends and acquaintances, people they hardly know and their own lives on the line simply to make a point to the potential schoolyard nerd.
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So, kids, if you've ever wondered how you take down a bully that seems like he's got nothing to take down, just remember: take down everything that's even remotely associated with your bully - except the bully himself! - and he won't bully you again any time soon. However, make sure you don't start freaking out before he starts his bullyin'.

Also, remember to stop going nuts after awhile. If you keep battering everyone and everything associated with your bully, at some point he'll forget why you're doing what you're doing (and so might you), and if you wait a long time and then start beating up his 2nd cousins or his father's ex-roommate's housekeeper, he'll start to think that you're the bully, and then he'll be reading this post.

...And if he reads the advice in this post, it means we're about two stages away from everyone getting beaten up, and that's no good at all. Right, kids?


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Update 9/24: Thomas Friedman (World is Flat author) apparently agrees with my stance against modern bullies (Starting at "The real reason for this war"). Of course, he thought of this more than three years ago... I figured it might help clarify my point about why it's sometimes important to go nuts and "smash something," as Friedman puts it.