The First Date Strategy Guide

The title says it all.

Imagine yourself at a restaurant, sitting across the table from an attractive date that you have just met prior to sitting down at the table. Picture yourself, after saying, "It's a pleasure..." or some other personalized greeting, sitting down in the chair and ordering your drink from the waiter. The waiter leaves, and you're left to experience an incredibly unknown situation by yourself. Is this image and situation firmly in your head?
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The First Date Strategy Guide -
Maximizing Your Odds of Getting a Second Date

Before we continue, we need to define our basic goals on a first date:

1. I've already mentioned that your date is very attractive. Since your first reaction is one of attraction and not disgust, the first and most important goal we have is to impress upon the date that we're the best person for them.

2. Our second and slightly less important - at first - goal is to filter the candidate. We need to find out if we want to be with this person over the long term, so we apply our own filtering process that differentiates seemingly unacceptable qualities from acceptable ones.

Throughout a first date, the above two goals will shift in priority, but the main purpose of this strategy guide is to increase your ability to achieve goal #1 and prevent your date from over-using goal #2. Sounds simple, right?


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When the date "starts," our first impulses are to focus on what we're going to say. Both candidates at this point are more focused on themselves and on the signals and statements they are giving before any verbal exchange of personality information occurs. This being the case, here's the first strategy claim:

1. Whichever person speaks first - whoever strikes up the initial conversation - is subtly taking the dominating role and showing confidence.

This one's pretty simple - The hardest thing to start talking about is the first thing, and you both know this. The trick is to break the ice in a substantial way; don't say small, closed-ended phrases like "Hey, nice restaurant." Starting an open-ended initial conversation has the potential to kill nervousness and alleviate stress, and being the stress-killer is a dominating role that will win some trust and respect points, provided the other person doesn't mind giving up the role. If the other person (the male, I would assume) is attached to the dominant role, this could backfire if the female steals it. As a male, I'd be willing to bet that this is why women are less likely to be talkative at the beginning of a first date - They don't want to dominate the initial conversation and risk treading on any invisible territory.

The point: A gentle incentive to motivate the other person to want to start talking would be the optimal strategy here. Given our lack of information at this point about the other person's desired role in the date, I'd say a moderately personal question would be best, asked by the male. This way, the traditional male / female roles (which are very prevalent in a first date - and that's actually a little strange, come to think of it) are maintained by the male initiating the conversation and almost immediately ceding permission (by asking the question) for the female to begin an adequate discussion.

Another thing about this initial conversation is that both dates will most likely not want to be the first to start blindly throwing out personal details and personality information. The trick, therefore, is to be incredibly sincere when asking the initial, conversation starting question. After the other person starts talking, it then becomes your job to reinforce their security, i.e. keep them talking for as long as possible. Background conversation (such as "Yes, uh-huh, no kidding? wow" and shaking your head in acknowledgment) might do the trick, but you don't want to overdo it. The point is to be sincere enough to show you're receptive and not too judgmental.


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At the beginning of the date, you're worried about being filtered and less focused on doing any filtering of your own. Since this is a strategy guide and not a politically correct article on equality, here's strategy #2:

2. Both candidates will be more focused on themselves until they are given the confidence to think more outwardly. If you withhold confidence-giving actions or statements, you'll keep attention focused on the other person and will increase your odds of remaining "mysterious" and consequently increase your chances for a second date.

Regarding the first part of the strategy: During the first part of the date, you're nervous and concerned about looking like an excellent person. You'll be in this self-conscious stage for as long as your date gives no signs as to how much you can open up. Since you're worried about losing future dates with this person, "being yourself" is not an easy option unless you get additional confidence - It's human nature to avoid talking about the things we think might make us look bad, or uncool. And these worries are based somewhat on reality. The two main goals of a first date are to impress the other person AND decide if that person is good enough. On a first date, there is very little pressure to convince yourself that you like the other person, and you're much, much more likely to be more judgmental and criticizing that normal. As a logical backup for this statement, think about this: It is far, far easier to get a third date than it is to get a second date - why? By the start of the second date, both parties have convinced themselves that the other person is date-able, and have devoted a certain amount of expectations and hope toward the success of the relationship, and are therefore more likely to forgive strange idiosyncrasies (and better yet, they're more likely to find them "cute.")

And as for the second part of my claim: If you start "giving confidence," you'll get filtered more harshly. By "giving confidence," I mean doing anything that makes the other person more relaxed and able to focus on you. This would be telling long stories, or talking too much about the details of your life, or even laughing too much at what they say, or - and this is the worst - letting on that you're really nervous. Even though you might be an incredible person, the first date is a risky time to give the other person a lot of leeway in making judgment calls, and the more you withhold actions and statements that give the other person more confidence in making judgments, the less likely they are to make these judgments.

So, the point: Imagine the situation: You're sitting there listening to your date talk endlessly, on and on and on, about what he or she does for a living and for fun, and everything else. As long as your date continues to fill the silence, all you've got to do is listen and nod, and you are therefore given the time and the leeway - and most importantly the confidence - to make your own judgment calls. If it's you doing all the talking, your date has the leeway and you get judged more often. While you want your date to trust and respect you, you don't want your date to be too focused on you. You'll be better off if, on the first date ONLY, you keep him or her distracted and self-conscious as much as possible. Yes, I'm serious.


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Strategy #3 is basically a more specific continuation of the last one:

3. Try to avoid statements that identify your uniqueness.

This is going to be a tough one to argue, but you've got to remember this point: This strategy guide is about increasing your odds of a successful first date. In other words, the goal is to get a second date, provided you actually like the person sitting across the table. While hiding your uniqueness might make you appear bland and uninteresting, exposing it too much will increase the chance that you get over-critiqued on the first date.

While conversation is the most important part of the first date, the trick is to limit the conversation that exposes your quirks and idiosyncrasies, or your "uniqueness." Save the long, detailed life stories for the second date, when you'll have far greater leeway, and your date will have already made up his or her mind almost entirely about how to perceive and judge your [weird] traits.

The point: Stay reasonably neutral. Don't mention how many times per hour you masturbate or why you like drinking mayonnaise directly out of the jar. While it's tempting to say the first date is all about deciding whether or not there should be a continuing relationship, it's not. The first date is, unfortunately, more about measuring each participants ability to handle stress.

While you want your date to reveal as much information about him or herself, you don't want to reveal too much information about yourself. Why? As I've said, we have a tendency to over-critique on the first date because there are no strings attached yet, and humans have a propensity to blame nervousness and stress on the person they think is causing these feelings. Better to not provide fodder for this possible blame. Again, first dates are more of a formality; a way for two people to develop some commonality and reputation to bring into a second date.

You might be able to convince your date that your uniqueness is adorable and indispensable, but you're mostly just taking on additional, unnecessary risk that is probably not required to get to the second date. And all you really want is that second date... (Remember, we're constantly assuming that you really like your date).


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I just typed it, and now I'm typing it again -

It is all about getting a second date. Fortunately for you, the default assumption is that you will get a second date, unless you do something to convince your date otherwise.

Strategy #4:
4. Don't play into the volatility of the first-date situation.

The first date is a very unfair forum for judging each other, mostly because of the amount of stress, nervousness, time limitations and a lack of any previous commitments to each other. Because both candidate's decisions to make a second date depend almost entirely on the happenings and knowledge gained from the first date, the optimal strategy during your first date would be what I call the "safe route." This not only involves using all the other strategies explained thus far, but also the following:

To play the "safe route," you'll have to figure out how to make your first date seem more like your initial meeting. Since you got a first date based on specific qualities your date found interesting, it's logical to assume that these qualities, if redeployed during the first date, would increase your odds of success.

In other, more drawn out words: If you met at a friend's house, or a party, at the store, or anywhere in the real world, a specific set of your personality or aesthetic qualities were used to determine the answer to your question, "Hey, wanna go out some time?" The basic idea is, if you repeat the experience or display the qualities that worked in the first place, pre-date, your chances of having a successful first date are much better.

The point: Since the first date is such a volatile and high-pressure situation, your chances of getting a second date will go up if you choose a less risky strategy. You might teeter on the verge of being slightly boring, so try to keep your signals and personality displays moderately interesting. If you stick to the strategy that got you to the first date, you're more [probabilistically] likely to get a second date.

If you haven't figured it out by now, this strategy is for those who are really, really worried about making the relationship stick. I don't personally care too much about this strategy, but I do believe the average dater's odds will be higher by employing the more logical tactics...


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Strategy #5:
5. Make sure your date chooses the restaurant.

This seems unimportant, but it's not. Humans have a tendency to dislike other people's choices. For the most part, though, this depends on how you view the person making the choice. For example, if you really look up to someone who is making you try a piece of exotic cheese, you're more likely to appreciate the taste. If, instead, someone you don't really think of as a friend (imagine your worst enemy, actually) offers you a piece of the same exotic cheese, you'll be far more likely to dislike it. Not only this, but it'll probably have an effect on how you view that particular cheese for the rest of your life.

This is obvious, I think, but I mention it for one reason: If you choose the first-date restaurant, you're allowing your date to make the psychological connection between the restaurant and your tastes. That's pretty obvious too, but it's also pretty important, I think. If the restaurant is unimpressive, your date will be more likely to blame you if you chose it rather than if she/he did. If your date chose an unimpressive restaurant, you'll be exempt from blame, and you might even be given the opportunity to show your warmheartedness when you say "Nah, I don't care about the hair all over my food - I'm having fun!" On the other hand, if you've got a no-fail restaurant in mind, go ahead and be "the decider."

The point: It's a smaller detail, but you might as well not take the risk. If you can successfully (and not indecisively) convince your date to pick the first-date restaurant, you'll end up reducing your risk. Unfortunately for men, this is one of those decisions that somehow reflects on our ability to be confident in our choices. It's a trade off - if you can somehow get the girl to pick the location without looking like a sissy, then you win.


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And strategy #6...
These just keep coming...

6. Wear the right clothes.

As much as I and a lot of my close friends are very picky in not following fashion trends, it sends out the wrong first-date signal. You may be tempted to say, "Hey - I'm going to be myself and wear what I always wear!" but the idea of the successful first date, again, is to limit instant and incorrect judgments. If I were on a first date, I would enjoy seeing my date dress in obvious "special occasion" clothes, and take it as a non-verbal signal of concern for the success of the date.

The point: I know it sounds shallow, but it's one of those things that humans can't stop doing. No matter what, we're ALL going to continue to judge people - at least on some level - by how they dress. Some of us are less concerned than others, but the big picture is that the way you dress is your message to the public about your personality - even if it's not accurate. If it isn't accurate, though, then you're just sending the signal that you don't know how to properly signal, which is equally as unimpressive. If there's ever a time to be overly concerned with something as shallow as fashion, it's on the first date. At the very worst, you can tell your date that you usually don't try so hard, and he or she will definitely get the point.


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...And The First Date Strategy Guide's final claim:

7. Don't go to a restaurant in the first place.

Although choosing non-traditional locations involves taking on more risk, if you decide not to eat at a sit-down restaurant on the first date, you will gain points - provided your alternative is "better". Besides being unoriginal, going to a restaurant on a first date adds unneeded tension, as you're both staring at each from across the table trying to figure out how long to maintain eye contact as well as actually putting food in your mouths, which is pretty unattractive.

My suggestion? Get coffee, or take a nighttime tour of the city in your car, or something equally cheesy. For the record, I've never had a first date at a restaurant - in fact, I'm not even going to give out my personal first-date location strategy. There are enough people in existence right now that know the extent of my past cheesiness. And, I predict at least one of them will needlessly leave a comment mocking me or my credentials or past history on this subject... By credentials, I mean the fact that I haven't been on a date in years... My defense will be "Logic speaks for itself, Fred..." I can see it now...

The point: Creativity in location is good, as long as it adds to your overall attractiveness. If you're a crappy driver, or drinking too much coffee makes you insane (like it does for me), then I wouldn't recommend the two alternatives mentioned above. There must be a reason, though, why so many relationships begin at a restaurant. I just don't know what it is. I'm guessing that there's a higher degree of romanticism and bonding when your situation is catered by a third party... If you agree, then the odds might be in your favor by simply choosing the traditional restaurant-based first date.


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There you have it. This is a first draft, by the way. I'm going to write a better one and submit it to GameFAQS.com, because there it will be read by the people who really, really need the advice. Or maybe I should send it to myself in a sealed envelop, to be opened on the third anniversary of my complete singularity...
...Regardless, anyone who thinks I'm unqualified to write a First Date Strategy Guide, I now call you out to challenge my assumptions!