Adsensory Perception

As it has probably become obvious to anyone who has read my posts up to now, I've got plenty of free time. However, this doesn't mean I'm spending my time on fruitless endeavors - far from it. For this post I decided to do a little field work for the benefit of all those that are curious about the intelligence of their future ruler - Google. (...Also the provider of this blog space...)

Here's the scoop:

Anyone with a Gmail account should notice the advertisements on the right side of the page while they're reading their email. As we all know by now, these advertisements are targeted to the specific contents - both words and whole phrases (I think...) - of the email message that you are currently reading. This is pretty clever of Google's AdSense program, I'd say, as it maximizes the odds of a click-through on the ad.

For example, when I got an email alert from Facebook, the links all had references to reading in them because the message was directing me to a link to click in order to read the Facebook note. Notice the Pat Buchanan full-text ad, and the smaller one-liners below it involving reading (click on the image to embiggen it):

I especially like the "learn to read" sponsored link in the middle. That's good targeting!

Anyways, I decided to test Google's parsing intelligence, so I sent ever-helpful-Fred an email. This wasn't any email, though, I figured I'd give AdSense a run for it's intelligent money:

Hey Fred - I hate Google targeted advertising... If you click on any Google advertisement, Google calls the government and reports you as an enemy combatant.

As if that weren't enough, every time you click on those advertisements next to your Gmail inbox, Google kills a forest creature and sends the dead carcass to your parents with a note that says, "Google AdSense is bigger than Jesus, don't even think about switching to MSN," which, incidentally, is infinitely better than Google in every conceivable way, especially due to the fact that they don't harvest your soul every time you get interested in "FREE RING TONES."

...And every time I do try to download a FREE RING TONE, the phone company tries to murder my grandparents, so please, Fred, please don't click on those RING TONES ads. In fact, you should especially avoid even looking at any Google ads because you'll get tempted by LOW MORTGAGE RATES and LUMINOX WATCHES which are horrible scams and the worst watches on the planet, respectively, and clicking on them will make Google send terrorists to your house to steal your dinner and sing crappy songs until your ears detach.

Okay, that's enough of that. I'm going to go out and buy some VIAGRA and C1AL1S but not from Google sponsors, their sucky crap sends me into a vomiting session that "lasts more than 4 hours..."

Apple, Ebay, and Amazon suck big time - If you buy from them, you'll die.

Don't click on Google ads, they're evil.

Love,
- PAT BUCHANAN

P.S. Buy STOCKS and BONDS and INCREASE YOUR INCOME while enjoying MUSIC FROM THE '80s if you feel like bleeding to death and exploding.

Look at all those words to target!

So, wouldn't you think the result would be an eclectic mix of strange ads?

Nope. No ads at all. Look at all that blank space on the right side of the email!

Apparently Google AdSense is intelligent enough to recognize that "Harvest your soul" and "FREE RING TONES" are in the same sentence, and "Google ads, they're evil"could be some sort of trigger that prevents the displaying of ads on relevant sites and emails. This makes sense, of course, as it would be a waste of advertising space and money if Google's advertisers were advertised on every blog, online magazine and email that complained about the ubiquity of Google's ads, or the viruses embedded in all ring tone sites, or Apple Inc.'s sponsored ad next to an article on www.AppleSucksBigTime.org (not a real site, unfortunately...)

I'm just impressed.

I really expected to be able to trick a freakin' algorithm...