Your Christmas Present

...is really somethin' special this year:

I'm giving you all carbon offsets. By "you all," I mean all official members of the 4EConglomerate, and by "carbon offsets" I mean I'm going to be offsetting your carbon emissions, which will basically allow you to pollute more without increasing your level of guilt! Isn't that great?

Here's how it's going to work: I was planning on driving like 20,000 miles this coming year in my car that gets less-than-amazing gas mileage. Now, in the spirit of giving and selflessness and caring and me being a generally fantastic person, I will not drive any of those 20,000 miles. Since this comes out to be about 16,000 lbs. of carbon emissions (really), you're all free to divide that carbon amongst yourselves and guiltlessly use it any way you like!

So, if you've got to take an extra-long road trip this year in a H2 Hummer, don't worry: Your pollution has already been offset. If you're planning on buying a private jet and flying around just for the hell of it, your "Carbon Footprint" has been washed away by the tide of my generosity. Even if you just feel like cruising down Main Street in your Camaro an extra 2,000 miles or so this next year, go nuts! In fact, pick up a hot date and be sure to mention, "You know, baby, I'm totally carbon neutral right now." That oughta do the trick.

So pollute a little more this year, friends - it's on me! Merry effin' Christmas! Here's your card:
For those of you who know what I've been doing the past few months (...not much...), this ought to be especially hilarious.



Don't give me that, "But Dave! You weren't going to drive those 20,000 miles anyway!" How the hell do you know that?

OK, ignore that one if you want. Here's a better Christmas present for you - a priceless, invaluably fantastic idea:

The Ultimate Eco-Friendly Christmas Gift

Friends, relative(s), readers of this con, er, I mean, the Con:

Is there someone on your holiday shopping list this year that just doesn't care much about material possessions? Someone that's constantly complaining about how George Bush and the evil empire are destroying the environment? Or, perhaps, you just need a gift for that eco-savvy professional that wants to do something for the environment but is way too busy?

Try carbon offsets! Yes sir, just like all them fancy corporations are doing, you too can monetize reductions in pollution! For about the same cost as not driving to the store you can give the gift of freedom; the gift of guiltlessness to that special someone. Here's how:

Think ahead to the coming year. Everything you could have done this year that would have created pollution, just don't do it! It's that simple! Were you thinking that maybe this was the year you were going to travel across the world in a hot air balloon? Don't do it, and give that extra freedom to pollute as a gift! Maybe you were planning on clear-cutting the forest next to your house for aesthetic reasons. Don't! Give the carbon-offsetting benefit of those trees to your friend or relative! Is this the year you were planning on burning city hall to the ground? Stop - think of all the carbon offsets that could be created by not starting that massive, polluting fire!

So reduce your potential carbon footprint and give that reduction to someone else! It's easy, it's cheap and it apparently makes you a better person/multinational corporation!

Did you need some sort of Christmas card that expresses the idea behind your gift? Don't worry, we've got you covered:

$4.95 per card or $48 for a dozen. These beautiful Christmas cards are the perfect way to say "I'm more environmentally conscious than you." They're made from 100% Ecuadorian Rain Forest trees and are embossed with high-petroleum plastic, assembled by coal-powered robots in China and shipped across the world to you with extreme care by sumo wrestlers on Atkins driving speedboats made in 1974. Also, this product is 100% carbon-neutral, done by purchasing carbon offsets from highly inefficient companies. Yes, it's expensive to be completely carbon neutral, but we figure we can easily pass that cost on to the environmentally concerned customer. Merry Christmas to you and your whole naive, er, eco-friendly family!

Oh, and one more thing: By this time next year my company - The Foree Con: Carbon Offsetting Co. - should be up and running. Basically, I'm going to allow people to pay me to sit around and pollute less (by doing less stuff). Let me know if you're interested, I'll see if I can sign you up early.


Happy/Merry ___________, everyone!

- Dave